Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
