I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
