we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
