3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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