I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
