You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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