awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
