Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
