My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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