As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
