she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I checked into jail on foursquare
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
