Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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