I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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