yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
