1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Please, let me fuck your mom
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
