Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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