Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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