he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
