Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
