my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
that is very illegal...i love you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
