Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
We need a shit load of segways right now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
