the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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