dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
