Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The ass gains better be worth it
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