Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
