I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
