My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
