Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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