I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
