smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
