you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
