I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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