Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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