I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
