Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
