My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
FUCK WHALES
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
