they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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