I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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