Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
