Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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