I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize