just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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