hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
