He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
