Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
