I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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