Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
