I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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