I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
