I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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