why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
