my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
