On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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