I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm getting married
To pizza
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
