bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
