Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
