so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I have already put on my inside pants.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
