just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
