i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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