The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
