Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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